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PostSubject: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 02, 2009 12:04 am

im searching for funny jokes can u guys gimme some of funny jokes
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bodom
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:25 am

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:28 am

On a packet of three steel fishing hooks.
HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED

Warning on a carpenter’s drill
THIS PRODUCT IS NOT INTENDED FOR USE AS A DENTAL DRILL

Warning label on a fold up baby buggy.
REMOVE CHILD BEFORE FOLDING

On a dishwasher
DO NOT ALLOW CHILDREN TO PLAY IN THE DISHWASHER

On a hand held massager
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING OR UNCONCIOUS

On a thirteen inch wheelbarrow
NOT INTENDED FOR MOTORWAY USE

On a packet of nuts
WARNING MAY CONTAIN NUTS
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:28 am

EIGHT SIGNS YOU ARE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING

8. You get winded from knocking on the door.

7. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

6. You ask for high fiber candy only.

5. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.

4. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a
mask.

3. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the
rest.

2. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your
hairpiece.

1. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:28 am

WORK OR PLAY At a command picnic, a bunch of officers were standing around talking. A Lieutenant said, “I think that making love is 80% fun and 20% work.” A Commander responded by saying, “No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work.” Then a Captain said, “No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it’s more like 20% fun and 80% work.” They continued to discuss the matter for several minutes until a Chief Petty Officer walked by. The officers called the Chief over to ask his opinion. The Captain said, “Chief, we’re having a discussion, and we’d like your input. The Lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The CDR thinks that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. What’s your opinion?” The Chief scratched his chin and said, “Sir, I think you’re all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work involved, you’d have an Enlisted man doing it for you!”
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:28 am

There’s room for all God’s creatures. Right next to the
mashed potatoes.

There’s always at least one bolt on anything that’s adjustable.
and it fits whatever size wrench you don’t have.

Folks who claim to want respect, honesty and decency but don’t
sign their letters to the editor make me wonder who’s being
honest, decent and showing respect.

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

I surf the real world.

Some people are wise, and some, otherwise.

This is no ordinary silly grin on my face, it’s an educated one.
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:28 am

RULES FOR DRIVING IN NEW YORK CITY
- When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.

- Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.

- The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.

- Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.

- Always look both ways when running a red light.

- Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.

- Making eye contact revokes your right of way.

- Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:32 am

One day, a very famous mathematician and his wife were trying to
move a large table from their living room into their dining room.
But, try as they might, they couldn’t get it through the door.

They struggled and struggled and just couldn’t do it. Finally,
exhausted and frustrated, the mathematician sat down and did a
mathematical derivation to prove that the table couldn’t be gotten
through the door.

Meanwhile, as he was doing that, his wife took the table through
the door.
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:32 am

An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.

- Irish Saying

Shortest Irish joke ever: Two Irishmen walk out of a bar

Q: What’s Irish and sits outside in the summertime?

A: Patty O’Furniture!

Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don’t want to press your luck.

- Daryl Stout

Q. What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?

A. Gaelic breath.
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:32 am

Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. “What’s wrong, Seamus?” Joey-Jim asked. “Well didn’t ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus. “Ah, praise the Almighty!” he replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:33 am

Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.

Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy “Jez, that look like Sean” to which Paddy replied “No Sean was taller than that”
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:33 am

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

“S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” he replied, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:33 am

“Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?” the solicitor questioned his client.

“Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?”
“Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O’Connor. “Shure now, we have a carport.”
The solicitor tried again. “Well, does the man beat you up?”
“No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. “Oi’m always first out of bed.”

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

“What I’m trying to find out are what grounds you have.”
“Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat — not even a window box, let alone grounds.”

“Mrs. O’Connor,” the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, “you need a reason that the court can consider.

What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?”
“Ah, well now,” said the lady,
“Shure it’s because the man can’t hold an intelligent conversation.”
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:33 am

Q. What started the Irish Jig?

A. Too much to drink and not enough rest rooms
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:33 am

There was a farmer, Perley Moore, who had recently bought a
truck and found that the “basic price” was only the
beginning. Once the salesman had added on all the extras –
towing package, toolbox, fifth-wheel attachment, etc. — the
price was quite a bit higher. Well, by a strange turn of
fate, that same salesman stopped by Perley’s farm one day to
buy a cow. The dealer examined the herd, picked out a likely
specimen, and asked about the price.

“That’s a hundred-dollar cow,” Moore replied directly.

“That’s fair enough,” said the salesman. “I’ll take her.”

“Well, now, that’s the basic price,” Moore added, getting
out pencil and paper. “There are one or two extras, of
course.” He made a few notes and handed the paper to the
dealer. Here is the final invoice:

Basic cow: $100
Two-tone exterior: $45
Storage compartment and dispensing device: $60
Four spigots @ $10 each: $40
Genuine cowhide upholstery: $75
Dual horns @ $7.50 each: $15
Automatic fly-swatter: $35

Total: $370
At least he had a sense of humor…I loved the automatic fly-swatter!
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:35 am

An icy nip in the air makes some folks think of Frosty the Snowman.
I, however, much prefer his disreputable cousin, Frosty the Beer Mug…
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:35 am

What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish?
Patty O’Furniture
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:35 am

Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they’re always a little short.
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:36 am

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: ‘That’s incredible - both our cars are demolished but we’re fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!’
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, ‘Oh yes, I agree with you completely!’

The woman goes on, ‘And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let’s drink to our love!’

‘Well, OK!’ says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

‘Your turn,’ says the man.

‘No, thanks,’ says the woman, ‘I think I’ll just wait for the police.’
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:37 am

There now follows a list of inventions. They were the brainchildren of the Kerry Irishman who was history’s unluckiest producer of lemonade. Over the years he came up with 4-up, 5-up, 6-up and then stopped! And if that isn’t bad enough, look at other things he produced:

An inflatable dartboard

A chocolate kettle

A soluble life-raft

A self-righting aspirin

A solar-powered torch
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:37 am

The chief of staff of the U.S. Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand-new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked as if they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand, and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man looked at him and said, “I’m a pilot!” The general got all excited, turned to his aide, and said, “Get him in today, all the paperwork done, everything, do it!” The aide hustled the young man off.

The general looked at the second young man and asked, “What
skills to you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man said, “I chop wood!”

“Son,” the general replied, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force. What do you know how to do?” “I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffed the general, “you are not listening to
me. We don’t need wood choppers; this is the 21st century!”

“Well,” the young man said, “you hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” said the general. “He’s a pilot!”

The young man rolled his eyes and said, “But I have to chop
it before he can pile it!”
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:37 am

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, “I don’t understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?”

The professor replied, “I don’t have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I’ll be glad to explain it to you.” The student agreed.

At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor’s house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.

They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, “First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can.” The student did as he was instructed.

The professor then continued, “Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it.” The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.

The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool. The confused student asked, “Excuse me, but why are we doing this?” The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper. The student didn’t think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.

However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, “All we’re doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you’ll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!”

The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile,
“Congratulations! You now understand the stimulus bill.”
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:38 am

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North-western University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant. :- (

This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming bulloney stories.

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:38 am

Actually, I’ve heard this joke with a number of nationalities, but in honor of St. Patrick’s Day………

Mick O’Flaherity was stopped at a petrol station out in the the countryside when he noticed two laborers slowly working their way towards him on the other side of the road. One was digging a hole, then the other would fill it in after setting a bit of concrete at the bottom. They really didn’t seem to be accomplishing much, so Mick strolled on over to find out what they were doing.

“Say, there,” he called out. “What’s this the two of you are doing? It
doesn’t make any sense.”

O’hara stopped and leaned on his shovel. “Sure and I’ll be tellin’ tha.
Fahy here and me, we’re puttin’ in some new telephone poles. And I’ll have tha know we’re the best crew in the County. I dig the holes, O’Flynn sets the pole, and Fahy fills in the hole.”

“But, there aren’t any poles and there’s just the two of you. This is
nonsense!”

“Ah, well, tha knows O’Flynn’s out wit the bug today.” Fahy now comes up after tamping in the last hole and joins in. “Aye, that he is, that he is. Right sickly. But O’hara here and me, we’re feelin’ fine. Now, tha wouldn’ ha’ us sit around and not do our jobs just because O’Flynn’s under the weather!”
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes   Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:38 am

Why did God make mothers?

1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of them when we were getting born.
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