Funny Quotes

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ..

Yes time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'Y'.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.

told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.

They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Were going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

When more and more people are thrown out of work unemployment results.

It's like deja vu all over again.

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.

A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.